I've been afraid
Of writing the words
Down
Of making them real
Heard
In the quiet
I could pretend they were dreams
But I'm awake all the time
These monsters of the mind
Are too big
To hide under my bed anymore
They creep onto the covers
Where I feel them at my toes
Make my feet swell
And it becomes harder
To take that next step
Away
And I want to run
Because it's better than
Staying here
I don’t where I’d go
I don’t know where I’d end up
In the journey away
Because I’d still be here
Inside of myself
So I wait for the right moment
For the right time when
I could be certain
Of the landing place
Of the moment
When the path would reveal itself
I open my eyes wide
Until the tears begin to fall
And I am opened up
Too much
Too quickly
Too savagely
I am not ready for the truth
Of it all
I am sunk
I am ripped apart
I am forgiven
And yet I cannot forget
The way your hand doesn’t reach for mine
As often anymore
Because this is too hard
Because I am too hard
Because this armor I have built up
To protect myself
Pushes you away
Pushes me deep inside
The mystery of longing
For more
For something that allows me to rest
In the beauty that I know I can be
I want you to see me
I want you to hear me
I want you to love me
Anyway
I want to be the sparkle in your eye
I want to be the one that you hold
Too tightly
I long for the time when I was glistening
Because I was who I am
Because you loved me anyway
Finding self
Between folds of promises
I reach for you
Between cotton and morning
Wrapped in mystery
I'm not sure how I got here
The final exhale
Of night
Traces my skin
And I am awakened
By the dream
That slips
Onto paper
Before vanishing in the light
I remember
Stretching
To fit
Beside you
Within you
Even though
I didn't have to
This morning
Is rich with belief
i want to witness
my own unfolding
but i'm distracted
i look around
to see if anyone else
has noticed
the audience
i pretend not to notice
the audience
i look out into
watching for a sign
that i am on the right path
that i am funny enough
that i am sad enough
that i am deep enough
but no one watches
this audience
is looking at
their folded hands
quietly
worried more
about their parts
knowing only that clapping
comes at the end
when the curtains fall
I want to know that you see me
and i want to see me
so i take my seat
in this show
and i wonder how it will turn out
I wanted to cry
so I did
and before I knew it
shoulders shaking
mind cracking
all of my insides
turning out into your palms
like the way water
rests on the shore
after being pushed
into the rocks
by the tides
Resting on the line
between crazy
and not as much
I wanted to jump
into crazy
where I wouldn't be able
to feel the way I feel now.
For a minute,
I could be innocent
and I could be free
from the pain
from the mornings
I don't want to wake up for.
I stay up late these nights
thinking I will sleep past the dawn
whose mornings are
always red
always angry
and always ready
to push me back into the waters
and my arms are tired
of trying to stay
above the surface.
I want to walk
alongside you,
with you.
I want to find
the rhythm that
found you
and me
together.
I know
I walk faster these days,
hoping I can run away
without anyone noticing
though the moment
I am forgotten
that I am left behind,
that I feel
undiscovered -
I die a little.
I fade a little more
into my own background.
And once upon a time,
I could find myself
in your hand's
long lines of reality,
life lines,
wisdom lines,
love lines,
I could read
I could wrap myself
in the answers
between all of your lines,
tangled in my lines.
It didn't matter
if I moved too quickly.
It didn't matter
if I moved too straight.
It didn't matter
if I made sense -
You remembered me.
You found me
and our steps fell
together.
I want to write
until the spaces between the words
reveal the answers
I can’t seem to keep alive
in a jar
no matter how many holes
i poke in the top
no matter how much time I give them
no matter how many excuses I whisper.
Dragging myself
into the land where silence
doesn’t linger
much
anymore,
I want to be still.
I want to be something more
than what I show everyone else
when my eyes open
when I arrive
half-heartedly.
This life used to be mine,
this song used to sound like me,
and I wonder where I am
whether this shell will crack
softly,
quietly,
at all.
I want to reach out and find
myself
free from the feeling that
everything is too close
and the feeling
that I am too far
I want to rest inside myself
content.
I want to remember who I am
when I wake up
and it is almost dawn.
I tried to cry a thousand prayers
To let them fall to the ground
And be soaked up by something stronger than me
I tried to write a thousand words
To let them lie in my ears
And be heard for what they really were,
My own meaning lost
In my own translation.
I tried to sleep a thousand days
To let the hours pass me by until
I found the ones that made me happy
But I kept waking up
To the same dream
That didn’t make any sense
Anymore.
I tried to cry a thousand prayers
Hoping someone
Something
Anyone
Anything
Could hear me
Could understand me
Could free me.
I tried to explain myself
To the ones who think
My life is nothing but a miracle
That sometimes
Things look different
When you look at them from my angle
From my knees
From the darkness
That follows me
I celebrated my shadows
For too long
I danced with them
For too long
I wooed them
I pulled them in
And now they won’t leave
Me alone
No matter how many candles I light
No matter how bright my thoughts
No matter how many times I win
I cried a thousand prayers today
And my knees are sore
And my hands are cramped
And my mind is full
And I just want to go home
Wherever that might be
Wherever that might be
If only I could remember my way.
I chose the downward
As I looked upward
I forgot about the ground
I listened to the river in the wind
And I noticed that I was singing
I was singing
Turning around so quickly
I forgot where I was
I made myself dizzy
As I kept turning
Because I didn’t want to settle in one place
Again
I use the sunlight as a way
To find my shadows
And seek them out
Letting them follow me
As I run
As I spin
As I forget
What it means to see
As I forget
What it means when I open my eyes
And really notice myself
When I catch a glimpse of myself
Across a crowded room
The room that’s filled with
Excuses
Explanations
And wasted moments
I whisper in my own ear
That I’d like to take myself home
That I’d like to get to know myself more
And I grab my coat
I take my hand
I follow myself out
I follow myself home
Release me.
Release me.
Rapids that pull me in,
currents that take me down to the edge between
who I am and
who I am.
I walk the journey,
I step into the water alone,
but not.
I run to the middle of the rocks,
hoping to be swept up,
swept in,
by something more powerful and then
I notice the ripples I make.
Today is a good day to swim.
Today is a good day to swim...into grace.
I haven't been writing here for many reasons - none of them are worth mentioning.
My life is full right now. Too full, it seems. I am trying to embrace it. I want the universe to give me all she has to give me, all the lessons she has to teach me.
There are so many lessons right now. And I am learning. I am growing.
Sometimes, I need to make room for myself, though. And today, I am doing that.
Just say yes. To myself and all of the things I haven't given myself.
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