i can't decide

i can't decide if i've been looking for the worst outcome
or if i'm praying for it
i'd rather have the bandaid ripped off
than to slowly peel away what isn't helping anymore

no one is protected by the slow, aching release
i want a quick shock
that rips me apart
but then leaves me alone
or at least, 
has a clear ending

where i could begin again

and i can't decide if death is the easier way out
because it's not
but for her,
it might be

it's been a long decade
well, almost two decades now
where does the time go when it all
goes wrong

quickly, too quickly

could another question have been the way to 
stop this train from rushing in
rushing through
over carefully laid tracks that lead to places
i know we all have to go

but could there be a delay
just for a minute
because there are words
i have left in a drawer
and hugs i haven't given

i just want to hold the moment
until the inevitable
whatever comes
when it comes

i can't decide if i'm a bad person
for saying any of this
or if i'm just human
because things hurt
and i hurt
and i just want it to stop

don't we all