not today

I've been afraid
Of writing the words
Down
Of making them real
Heard

In the quiet
I could pretend they were dreams
But I'm awake all the time

These monsters of the mind
Are too big
To hide under my bed anymore
They creep onto the covers
Where I feel them at my toes
Make my feet swell
And it becomes harder
To take that next step
Away

And I want to run
Because it's better than
Staying here

I don’t where I’d go
I don’t know where I’d end up
In the journey away
Because I’d still be here
Inside of myself

So I wait for the right moment
For the right time when
I could be certain
Of the landing place
Of the moment
When the path would reveal itself

I open my eyes wide
Until the tears begin to fall
And I am opened up
Too much
Too quickly
Too savagely

I am not ready for the truth
Of it all

I am sunk
I am ripped apart
I am forgiven
And yet I cannot forget
The way your hand doesn’t reach for mine
As often anymore

Because this is too hard
Because I am too hard
Because this armor I have built up
To protect myself
Pushes you away
Pushes me deep inside
The mystery of longing
For more

For something that allows me to rest
In the beauty that I know I can be

I want you to see me
I want you to hear me
I want you to love me
Anyway

I want to be the sparkle in your eye
I want to be the one that you hold
Too tightly

I long for the time when I was glistening
Because I was who I am
Because you loved me anyway