I am quite happy the sun is out right now. Sure, the rain has its merits and it is a necessity, but for me, the sun is what I crave.
Even when I think all I do is think about the darkness, I realize that it's the sun I desire. I long for the clouds to part, the breeze to blow, and the brightness to overwhelm me.
I want to be overwhelmed,
To be taken by a moment,
To be moved,
To be shifted,
To be begun.
I have been begun,
Of my own doing,
Of my own knowing,
Of my own beginning.
Let me begin now
In the sun of the afternoon,
Where the rain still drips down,
But I am not wet.
The window is open
and I feel the breeze.
I sit and close my eyes,
remembering that this breeze
That breeze may have come
from next door
which came from the neighbor
which came from another city
another realm of possibility.
I am not alone.
You are not alone.
The breeze carries us all,
cradles us all,
and connects us all.
We are not alone.
Waking up, tight and clenched. I can feel the stress welling up from my toes - and it's only 4:45AM.
I've let the stress get to me. I've let life take me over in such a way that I can not stop and I do not know another way. Well, that's not true. I do know what else I could do, but that's something that I've ignored, giving the honorable excuse of 'well we need the money.'
We don't. But it's become a convenient way to excuse my own self-harming ways. It's become convenient to explain away the time I spend at my desk, in my head, and away from the world.
I need to change.
I need to change.
I need to change.
I can change, but I need to be bold. I need to break free, tell some people that I can not be everything for them, that I can not do it all. And that's okay too.
Because, in the end, I need to take care of me.
I promised I would.
It's interesting how you can be taught so much even as you resist it again and again. The tension in my head today is the reminder that I was bracing myself, that I was trying to avoid learning one very valuable lesson.
I can not control the actions of others.
I know this, of course I know this. But sometimes it feels like I forget this one very basic truth of life which actually allows me to be freer in the way I live. Truly. After all, if I know that I can not control the actions and reactions of others, then I don't have to worry about crafting my words and my actions to suit anyone else.
I want to embody this idea and to realize that the only person whose ideas and actions I can control are my own. And, really, I don't want to be in charge of everyone else anyway. Enough to handle on my own.
Challenges surround us, no matter where we go, but why seek out more difficulties when they're not even able to be changed?
As much as I want everyone to do what I want them to do, maybe it's time to look at myself a bit more. As apparently I'm avoiding that in trying to examine everyone else.
I just realized yesterday that admitting that I'm happy is harder than I thought. I don't EVER want to admit I'm completely happy, so when I am or I feel that I am, I don't want to say a word.
And then it leaks out, dripping from my tongue into the world.
I didn't believe the words coming from my mouth, so I let them fall as they did, allowing them to run free for the moment.
This morning, I have a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not sure why I said I was happy. I have so much to NOT be happy about. Yet, still, I can't say that I'm not happy.
I am confused. Happy and not, sure and not. The lingering admission still ringing in my ears and a whisper from my head tells me, enjoy it.
Enjoy these days, these moments, these truths, for they long to be loved and trusted and cherished.
"Surrounded by Deity" -- upcoming Witches & Pagans issue