I need it to be quiet.
I need it to be still.
I need the gotta do's and the must do's to cross themselves off, or back away slowly.
I need to rest between the joys.
I need to refresh between the tears and broken-open-ness.
That's when I renew.
That's when I rebuild and restore and reboot.
My perspective can catch its breath and settle. I can begin to see what's really, truly around me.
This world is so loud sometimes. It demands attention, energy, and action. It tells me to WAKE UP, YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO.
I know, I know.
Can't you see what I've already done? Can't you feel the way my heart has pushed against the world? Haven't I tried to shift possibility, experience, and truth?
Have I done enough? Will I ever do enough?
Right now, I need to close my eyes and count my breaths. I need to sit deep in the woods. I need to fill bowls with honey and cream and leave them as offerings. I need to remember that what I invite needs to feel welcome. I need to worship and pray and light the incense that needs to be lit.
That's how the magick gets in.
Breathe it in.
I need to step into myself.
I am my daily practice. I am my promise of stars and moons, as they move across the sky and back again.
I am the whisper in my own ear that says, "Breathe, baby, breathe."
Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
I come back to myself. I open my eyes and know how to be in my body again.
PS - How do you renew?
I wanted to cry
so I did
and before I knew it
all of my insides
turning out into your palms
like the way water
rests on the shore
after being pushed
into the rocks
by the tides
Resting on the line
and not as much
I wanted to jump
where I wouldn't be able
to feel the way I feel now.
For a minute,
I could be innocent
and I could be free
from the pain
from the mornings
I don't want to wake up for.
I stay up late these nights
thinking I will sleep past the dawn
whose mornings are
and always ready
to push me back into the waters
and my arms are tired
of trying to stay
above the surface.
Rapids that pull me in,
currents that take me down to the edge between
who I am and
who I am.
I walk the journey,
I step into the water alone,
I run to the middle of the rocks,
hoping to be swept up,
by something more powerful and then
I notice the ripples I make.
Today is a good day to swim.
Today is a good day to swim...into grace.
I just realized yesterday that admitting that I'm happy is harder than I thought. I don't EVER want to admit I'm completely happy, so when I am or I feel that I am, I don't want to say a word.
And then it leaks out, dripping from my tongue into the world.
I didn't believe the words coming from my mouth, so I let them fall as they did, allowing them to run free for the moment.
This morning, I have a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not sure why I said I was happy. I have so much to NOT be happy about. Yet, still, I can't say that I'm not happy.
I am confused. Happy and not, sure and not. The lingering admission still ringing in my ears and a whisper from my head tells me, enjoy it.
Enjoy these days, these moments, these truths, for they long to be loved and trusted and cherished.
I'm realizing that I've been holding onto too much for too long lately. And as a result, my body has done the same thing.
By not being willing/ready/able to let things go, I am hurting myself, stuffing myself, and causing myself pain.
Starting today, I pledge to release one thing from my life, to do one thing for someone else each day. I have so much goodness and knowledge to share. And from this moment on, I release that energy into the world as energy only changes the world when it can move through it.
So be it.
"Surrounded by Deity" -- upcoming Witches & Pagans issue